tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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