I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
