I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
