I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
