new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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