Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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