I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
