I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
