When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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