Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
