I got chris browned last night
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
