Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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