he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
