cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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