Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
