I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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