I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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