I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
