dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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