Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
