I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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