The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize