My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
