put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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