She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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