The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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