It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And then he peed in my hair
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