the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
