Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
