Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You may now shotgun with the bride
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
