whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
