You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
