Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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