When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize