i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
