We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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