Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
love makes seman taste better
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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