If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
