made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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