someone threw a dead crab at me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
