Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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