I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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