The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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