Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
