My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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