He uses pillows to masturbate.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
