So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
