I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
