I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize