I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
