last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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