Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
