i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
