sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
