My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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