Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
