So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize