Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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