my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
